I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
