We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
