do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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