Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
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