I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
