Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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