At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
