this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
