I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
