everyone is single if you try hard enough
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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