cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
only if we run a train.
done.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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