idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
