we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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