I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My dick has a subreddit
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
