I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
