I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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