There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
