I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
