he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
