I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
