Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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