If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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