Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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