when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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