so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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