Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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