new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
