My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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