i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
