Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
