Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
