I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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