You're my little dorito
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I have fence marks all over my body
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
