i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
