Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
