the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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