Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
