The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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