you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
