I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
