the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
