I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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