She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
