Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I want her autograph on my taint
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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