My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We are two peas in an std pod
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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