If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
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