Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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