Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
