I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize