Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
