I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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