Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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