I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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