so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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