I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
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Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
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The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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