Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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