I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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