There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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